Shakedown #137"
By: Favor, Medic / Morale Officer, [PST]

Stardate: 58203.08 0900

From: Ensign Favor, MWR Officer

To: Zion Crew

RE: My Name, And A Game

Let me be the first to say it: The game at the end of this memo is lame at best. It ranks only slightly above Shiga-ball in terms of being interesting. But it's all I've got. I don't have anything else.

So anyway, I have no first or last names. I have a single name. It's Favor. Favor is not my last name. It's not my first name. It's simply...my name.

My first name is not Personal. My first name is not Sexual. My name is simply Favor. I've heard all the jokes. I took the razzing at the Academy. You can't come up with a new spin on a tired old joke so don't bother trying. And if you DO try, if you DO decide to make a joke about my name, I'll start disliking you.

And...I like you! I really do! And it would make me sad to have to change my position on that. I don't handle change well. I don't handle it well at all. So, please don't put me in a position where I am going to have to change my feelings about you, and start disliking you. OK? OK!

I hate to keep beating, but the horse ain't dead yet. Don't make a joke about my name. I'll have to scowl at you and bare all my pretty white fangs in a menacing way, which promotes early wrinkling. So, don't do that. Don't make a joke about my name. I hate gnashing my teeth. I hate it when I do that! It's really hard on the molars, too.

OK, the horse is dead.

So, anyway, what's in a name? A Favor by any other name still smells as sweet, or so I'm told. My name could be Dung Heap and I'd still be the same person.

So if your name isn't who you are...isn't what makes you YOU...then what happens when someone STEALS your name?

Well let me spell it out for you, people. When someone stole MY name, I got BEEPING BEEPED.

This happened to me, twice.

The first time, someone stole my monetary account card back on Risa, and used it in a Glint Shop to buy a pipe used for smoking glint. I was outraged! Outraged, I say!

They never caught that particular BEEP, unfortunately. And, I did get my 160 fengo back that the BEEP spent on the pipe. Eventually. They really put me through the gauntlet. I kept screaming, "I'm the VICTIM here, people!" And they kept yawning and saying, "Sign here, sign there."

I had to sign a bunch of legal forms and then swear on a stack of holo-religious texts, that I didn't buy that pipe. But they did give my money back. "Your record is clean," they promised. Hmm, why don't I believe this? These were the same people who just authorized a glint pipe purchase using a stolen card. Why should I have any faith in them?

I am convinced that somewhere, in some computer, is the information that my card with my name on it was used for this dastardly purchase. This information just sits there...pending...Just waiting to leap out and mar my wonderful good name!

And that chaps me, let me tell you! That SO chaps me! Oh, if I could get my hands around the neck of the BEEP that stole my monetary card and used it to buy something questionable, let me tell you. Bad things would happen. I would break my Hippocratic oath. So I guess it's a good thing that they never caught the BEEP who did this. Good for him, that is.

Not too many things tick me off....well...actually that's not true. Here's a list of things that tick me off:

1. People touching my medical instrument. I believe you've been warned about that already.

2. People who fail to vote for Bev Peabody in every election.

3. People who make jokes about my name and ask me if my first name is Personal or Sexual.

4. People who eat too much ice cream out of the reincarnator (yes, yes, I know what it's called! I like the term "reincarnator" better than the REAL term! Work with me, people!)

5. People who lay around thinking up ways to make other people's lives a misery.

6. Authority figures.

Oh, forget it, I don't have all night! This list could take longer than I thought. But you get the idea.

Anyway, the SECOND time someone stole my identity, I thought to myself, "What is this person's problem? Does this person have nothing better to do than go around impersonating me? (see # 5 on the above list). What the BEEP is up with that?" (To coin a slang phrase!).

The second time, this BEEP was a friend of mine. She was someone that I actually knew and trusted. And the BEEP actually went around, pretending to be me! She used my real name and said it was hers!

Now she got "me" all wrong on several accounts. "You couldn't act your way out of a paper bag," I wanted to tell her. "You can try and try but you will never be me. It's just a goal that is too unreachable for you. You should just be yourself. No one will like you, because you're not a very nice person, but at least you won't look so pathetic, trying to be ME."

I didn't say this to her, but I wanted to.

First of all, she pretended that I like Shiga-ball. Well let me tell you, I don't like Shiga-ball. In fact, I hate Shiga-ball. It's boring. It's a boring sport. It's a boring game. I'd rather spend the afternoon drinking bleach, than spend the afternoon watching a Shiga-ball game. It's so boring that I won't waste the effort describing it to you.

Another thing this friend did while she was impersonating me, was to pretend that I ate fish sticks out of the reincarnator for supper. Can you imagine my utter contempt? Fish sticks as we all know are made up of leftover crud from the bottom of the fish processor. God only knows what's in them. Lips and BEEPS if you ask me. Personally, I wouldn't feed a fishstick to a starving cat in a lifeboat.

My name is pretty important to me. Would you like it if someone who SAID she was your friend, went around doing despicable things, all the while proclaiming, "Look everyone! I'm Ensign Favor (except switch this part out and insert your name here)! I like fishsticks and Shiga-ball!"

No, I didn't think you would. I didn't like it when it happened to me, either.

So this all begs the question of WHY. Why would someone assume another person's identity?

I am sure that you all are an insightful lot, and can come up with some good answers. I will give you one week. The person who comes up with the best reason as to why a person would assume another person's identity, will receive a free copy of "The Klingons Start A Prison Riot."

This will be the first of many contests that you can look forward to. I'm a little low on imagination in these troubled times, for fun things that we can do, but work with me, people. For the love of God, work with me!

Figuring out what makes others act as they do can be a mind-bender at times. Other times, the answer is surprisingly obvious.

End transmission